Sometimes it is hard to see through the things you dislike about your life and look at all of the positives. This Thanksgiving I am thankful for so much in my life. I am thankful for my son, my family and friends, my job, my independence, and my life in general. I may not be the person that I want to be or thought that I would be at this stage in my life, but I certainly don’t regret most of my decisions. Everyone has some things they wish they could redo, but those things in my life just motivate me to continue looking for what makes me happy and complete.
One thing I do have to look out for is my tendency to want to wait for opportunities to come find me. I also need to understand that one event or person is not going to be the “thing” that turns my life around. I am constantly wondering that if I moved, fell in love, or started my own business my life would suddenly fall into place. This is just unrealistic. That missing puzzle piece that I am always looking for is right in the mirror when I get up I the morning. I am the only person who can change the way I feel about who I am and who I want to become.
Decision making is not my forte. I am always scared that taking a big leap towards a dream or goal is going to plant me on my face. Maybe If I didn’t have a child I would be more willing to make these leaps, however with my son I am not so sure that I can be that bold. What I can do is make myself take the little hops and not care what other people think (this includes family who at times can be the worst at sabotaging.)
This week I found out some disturbing news about a member of my family that I am very close with. This made me think even more about whom I want to be and what I have to be thankful for. It also made me think that if I had to look back at my life up until now would I be satisfied? This doesn’t mean proud because I am proud of myself for many different accomplishments along the way. This means satisfied with what I have done and who I have turned into. The answer is no, at least not yet! However, I feel my weight is the largest contributor to that. I guess this means I will just have to work harder!
However, through all of this hard work losing weight and transitioning, I need to remember every day the things that God has given me to be thankful for. If I only think about them around this time of year I would be neglecting the best things I have in my life. The things that can help me get through challenges like this.
My goal is to lose this week! Nothing fancy, just a loss. I am a closet eater so I don’t really have a hard time on the holidays because there are always people around. I will make sure to not take home any unhealthy leftovers and to exercise. I just need to make sure that I do not deprive myself too much and resort to a binge. I wish myself Good Luck :-)
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!
Until next Week…
Jamie Lee :0)
Week 9 (11/22/10)
Weigh-in: 334.2 lbs
----------------------
Loss of: 3.2 lbs
Total Loss: 23 lbs
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Week 8: Social Disease
Being overweight is frowned upon in society, which is unmistakable. However, it has become such a bias that it has almost developed into a social disease. I think at this point in time, in the United States, it is an even bigger issue than that of racism or religion. We have a person of color in office and daily I hear Mormon commercials on TV and the radio. However when it comes to being overweight you are viewed as disgusting, lazy, unintelligent and so on.
Alright, I understand being overweight is a health hazard! I think by now everyone is aware of that. I am not talking about the media’s pieces on good health habits. I support that! Society needs to understand all of the potential risks when being overweight and how to become healthier. I am talking about the society and the media that abuse people that are overweight. That are emotionally, verbally and even physically abusive to people that are struggling. Every day you can find television shows and radio programs that insult people about their appearance. I’ve heard, "she could be ugly or even worse…FAT," and a million more insulting phrases that can really hurt someone. I have even heard people that I care about or that care about me insulting people that are overweight right in front of my face!
Do they really not understand that overweight people have the same emotions as them? Beautiful and hardworking are two adjectives you don’t hear when referring to someone who is considered "fat." This is a shame! I know for a fact that people have been interested in me and turned me down because of what others would think. At times I even have concerns about certain friends and family members and their feelings when out with me in public.
Majority of people that are obese are not proud of themselves. Most likely they have an addiction to over eating or emotional problems (scars) that they carry with them. Then being overweight creates a low self-esteem. At times it is a never ending cycle. Your overweight ---> You feel poorly about yourself ---> You eat to stuff the pain ---> Then it starts all over again. I don’t think that anyone that is overweight is looking for sympathy. They just want to be understood and have people look at them for their personality and not their image. This goes for anyone that is overweight. Even if you are not obese, you can still have these same feeling about the five or ten pounds you feel you need to lose.
Everyone is human. Whether you are a size 5 or a size 20, you were made by God for a purpose. The person you are and the sprit you have inside of you was the reason you were created. You exterior is a temporary home until heaven. Of course we all want to feel good and live the one life we have to the fullest, but we want to be able to do that with love and encouragement.
This week I had an awesome weight loss! I am down 5lbs and have lost a total of 19.8lbs in eight weeks. I don’t expect that every week I will do well or even lose, but I do hope that I continue to keep my head up and not others discourage me. My goal this week is to Exercise, Exercise, Exercise!
Until Next Week…
Jamie Lee :0)
Week 8 (11/15/10)
Weigh-in: 337.4 lbs
----------------------
Loss of: 5lbs
Total Loss: 19.8lbs
Alright, I understand being overweight is a health hazard! I think by now everyone is aware of that. I am not talking about the media’s pieces on good health habits. I support that! Society needs to understand all of the potential risks when being overweight and how to become healthier. I am talking about the society and the media that abuse people that are overweight. That are emotionally, verbally and even physically abusive to people that are struggling. Every day you can find television shows and radio programs that insult people about their appearance. I’ve heard, "she could be ugly or even worse…FAT," and a million more insulting phrases that can really hurt someone. I have even heard people that I care about or that care about me insulting people that are overweight right in front of my face!
Do they really not understand that overweight people have the same emotions as them? Beautiful and hardworking are two adjectives you don’t hear when referring to someone who is considered "fat." This is a shame! I know for a fact that people have been interested in me and turned me down because of what others would think. At times I even have concerns about certain friends and family members and their feelings when out with me in public.
Majority of people that are obese are not proud of themselves. Most likely they have an addiction to over eating or emotional problems (scars) that they carry with them. Then being overweight creates a low self-esteem. At times it is a never ending cycle. Your overweight ---> You feel poorly about yourself ---> You eat to stuff the pain ---> Then it starts all over again. I don’t think that anyone that is overweight is looking for sympathy. They just want to be understood and have people look at them for their personality and not their image. This goes for anyone that is overweight. Even if you are not obese, you can still have these same feeling about the five or ten pounds you feel you need to lose.
Everyone is human. Whether you are a size 5 or a size 20, you were made by God for a purpose. The person you are and the sprit you have inside of you was the reason you were created. You exterior is a temporary home until heaven. Of course we all want to feel good and live the one life we have to the fullest, but we want to be able to do that with love and encouragement.
This week I had an awesome weight loss! I am down 5lbs and have lost a total of 19.8lbs in eight weeks. I don’t expect that every week I will do well or even lose, but I do hope that I continue to keep my head up and not others discourage me. My goal this week is to Exercise, Exercise, Exercise!
Until Next Week…
Jamie Lee :0)
Week 8 (11/15/10)
Weigh-in: 337.4 lbs
----------------------
Loss of: 5lbs
Total Loss: 19.8lbs
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Week 7: Depression the Enemy
Last week I struggled with my depression. Some people may not know how damaging it can be to suffer from something so awful. Even though I ate well and lost some weight (not nearly as much as I’d hoped for) I didn't feel well. I would love to tell you that I didn't feel like myself, but the truth is I know this part of myself better than any other. Many things bring me to this unhealthy state, but the two most influential are my weight and my fear of death.
I have an uncontrollable fear of death. To the extent in which I don't think the average person could even comprehend. It sickens me to think we live, touch, feel, and love and then we are no more. That the world continues to revolve and the person we are is gone. We may last in the hearts of some people who love us, but when they die their love dies too. It kills me to try and understand that today might be the last time I hug my son or talk to my mom. It pains me to think that there could just be nothingness. Then what? You live your whole life chasing dreams and making a name for yourself to be forgotten in the end; or to make a difference in someone’s life that is just going to pass on too. The most important thing in life is the people that we have. Because if I go tomorrow the only thing I would regret is not spending every waking minuet with my son and loved ones. I try to think of this every time I feel like I need a break.
I believe in God, but somehow even religion can't comfort my panic. I've heard people say that heaven and after life are just ways to make humans less scared of dying. I've also heard that we are all so self centered that we can't imagine that there is no existence after death. It’s hard to have faith when these opinions rattle my brain.
One thing I do know is that I cannot sleep at night anymore. I lie awake looking at the clock or distracting myself with meaningless activities (like surfing the web) just to avoid having to hear my own thoughts. These thoughts haunt me and turn me physically ill. When I am finally left alone with myself and I start to think about what death really means, I start to feel the panic creep over my body. It starts in the center of my abdomen and then works its way up into my chest. It sends me into a crying hysteria until I heave. Every rational thought that I make myself think throughout the day, to keep myself sane, cannot be found. At times only falling asleep from exhaustion will stop the panic. This happens every night.
I have heard from some therapists that people with eating disorders tend to have a terrible phobia of death. I’ve heard it is because of their need to control things and that death is uncontrollable. That food can be one of the few ways a suffering person can have control in their own life. I believe this.
How do you try and control an overwhelming fear of the inevitable? You would think that someone who is so afraid of dying would want to be healthy and wouldn't be "morbidly" obese, though somehow nothing is a comfort or reward.
I try to be a good person, friend, mom, and employee but sometimes I am just too angry or stressed out to try. The things in life that should be so simple are a challenge in my every day.
My disgust with myself and appearance over takes all positive thinking. Sometimes I feel like the reason I am even attempting to lose weight is just for acceptance. Then I think to myself that I might have gained this weight because of similar reasons. Sometimes I crave the attention of another male just for someone to think I am pretty or want to spend time with me, but then I get angry with myself for focusing on things like that with when life is too short. I should be worried about my son and his future and not some temporary attention.
Before I had my son I still felt sick about these issues. However, when he was born it was heightened immensely. Some nights I pull him into bed with me after he has already been asleep just to comfort myself. I want to be able to hold him, feel him, smell him, and hear him. All of the things you cannot do when your dead. I think to myself, “what if I get to heaven and I can’t find him?”
I understand that some of these feeling are normal and some are unhealthy. I also understand that losing weight and being healthy will help my depression; however I'm afraid some fears will never diminish. It is not fair to live the one life I have in fear.
I did not write this for sympathy or help, simply to help people understand one of the MANY things I struggle with everyday. I wrote this for people to understand one of the things that deter me from having a positive outlook on weight loss and life. I have so many life goals. In fact some that may be unreachable. Writing a book, acting, owning a hotel, owning my own real-estate, being a successful business owner, traveling and more! These are all the things I have plans for and I can’t do being fat or afraid. They are all such big goals that little things like losing a pound a week seem like such a drag-on. It’s hard for me to stay focused and enthused.
I don’t really have any goals this week besides sticking to plan. I need to understand that a loss is a loss no matter how small. I also need to realize that happiness is not a goal for the future, but a state of mind that should be lived every day.
Until next week...
Jamie Lee
Week 7 (11/8/10)
Weigh-in: 343.4 lbs
----------------------
Loss of: 1lb
Total Loss: 14.8lbs
I have an uncontrollable fear of death. To the extent in which I don't think the average person could even comprehend. It sickens me to think we live, touch, feel, and love and then we are no more. That the world continues to revolve and the person we are is gone. We may last in the hearts of some people who love us, but when they die their love dies too. It kills me to try and understand that today might be the last time I hug my son or talk to my mom. It pains me to think that there could just be nothingness. Then what? You live your whole life chasing dreams and making a name for yourself to be forgotten in the end; or to make a difference in someone’s life that is just going to pass on too. The most important thing in life is the people that we have. Because if I go tomorrow the only thing I would regret is not spending every waking minuet with my son and loved ones. I try to think of this every time I feel like I need a break.
I believe in God, but somehow even religion can't comfort my panic. I've heard people say that heaven and after life are just ways to make humans less scared of dying. I've also heard that we are all so self centered that we can't imagine that there is no existence after death. It’s hard to have faith when these opinions rattle my brain.
One thing I do know is that I cannot sleep at night anymore. I lie awake looking at the clock or distracting myself with meaningless activities (like surfing the web) just to avoid having to hear my own thoughts. These thoughts haunt me and turn me physically ill. When I am finally left alone with myself and I start to think about what death really means, I start to feel the panic creep over my body. It starts in the center of my abdomen and then works its way up into my chest. It sends me into a crying hysteria until I heave. Every rational thought that I make myself think throughout the day, to keep myself sane, cannot be found. At times only falling asleep from exhaustion will stop the panic. This happens every night.
I have heard from some therapists that people with eating disorders tend to have a terrible phobia of death. I’ve heard it is because of their need to control things and that death is uncontrollable. That food can be one of the few ways a suffering person can have control in their own life. I believe this.
How do you try and control an overwhelming fear of the inevitable? You would think that someone who is so afraid of dying would want to be healthy and wouldn't be "morbidly" obese, though somehow nothing is a comfort or reward.
I try to be a good person, friend, mom, and employee but sometimes I am just too angry or stressed out to try. The things in life that should be so simple are a challenge in my every day.
My disgust with myself and appearance over takes all positive thinking. Sometimes I feel like the reason I am even attempting to lose weight is just for acceptance. Then I think to myself that I might have gained this weight because of similar reasons. Sometimes I crave the attention of another male just for someone to think I am pretty or want to spend time with me, but then I get angry with myself for focusing on things like that with when life is too short. I should be worried about my son and his future and not some temporary attention.
Before I had my son I still felt sick about these issues. However, when he was born it was heightened immensely. Some nights I pull him into bed with me after he has already been asleep just to comfort myself. I want to be able to hold him, feel him, smell him, and hear him. All of the things you cannot do when your dead. I think to myself, “what if I get to heaven and I can’t find him?”
I understand that some of these feeling are normal and some are unhealthy. I also understand that losing weight and being healthy will help my depression; however I'm afraid some fears will never diminish. It is not fair to live the one life I have in fear.
I did not write this for sympathy or help, simply to help people understand one of the MANY things I struggle with everyday. I wrote this for people to understand one of the things that deter me from having a positive outlook on weight loss and life. I have so many life goals. In fact some that may be unreachable. Writing a book, acting, owning a hotel, owning my own real-estate, being a successful business owner, traveling and more! These are all the things I have plans for and I can’t do being fat or afraid. They are all such big goals that little things like losing a pound a week seem like such a drag-on. It’s hard for me to stay focused and enthused.
I don’t really have any goals this week besides sticking to plan. I need to understand that a loss is a loss no matter how small. I also need to realize that happiness is not a goal for the future, but a state of mind that should be lived every day.
Until next week...
Jamie Lee
Week 7 (11/8/10)
Weigh-in: 343.4 lbs
----------------------
Loss of: 1lb
Total Loss: 14.8lbs
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Week 6: Accountability
I had a decent loss this week, but I have to admit I wasn’t on my best behavior. I stopped tracking what I was eating and ended up not exercising from Wednesday on. The exercise was due to a shooting pain that is stabbing me in my left side. I could barely move for four days, but now it seems to be getting a little better. However, the lack of tracking was because I was getting LAZY!
Tracking is extremely important because it not only keeps record of the food, calories and fat I am consuming, but it also makes me accountable for my choices. Accountability is the key to my success. If I didn’t get weighed in every week in front of someone I would never be able to keep myself going. I tend to be a people pleaser so I don’t want to get on the scale in front of that person and have gained. Oh, but this is also a catch twenty-two!
It is just as easy for me to stay away because I don’t want to be embarrassed. I could easily avoid my weigh-ins, fall off the place of the earth and gain all of my weight back. I need to find away to make a happy medium. To be able to want to please people, but not have their thoughts (or what I think their thinking) overpower my emotions. This is something I need to work on not just with weight loss, but also with everyday life.
I am very thankful that I go with someone to these weigh-in meetings. Having someone expect me to show up every week keeps me going. My only fear is that this person is getting close to their goal weight…I hope they don’t disappear on me?! The good thing is I had another friend join recently and I am hoping we can continue to keep eachother on track and losing weight.
I am also thankful that I am writing this blog weekly and posting it on networking sites. Knowing that people are reading it keeps me on track and excited about my next loss. Thank you to my readers!
Support + Accountability + Hard work= Success!
My goal this week is to track everyday! I would also like to get some sort of physical activity in daily. With not feeling good this is not an easy task. The good thing is I now have less than 200lbs to go!
Unitl Next Week...
Jamie Lee :0)
Week 6 (11/1/10)
Weigh-in: 343.4 lbs
----------------------
Loss of: 2.8 lbs
Total Loss: 13.8 lbs
Tracking is extremely important because it not only keeps record of the food, calories and fat I am consuming, but it also makes me accountable for my choices. Accountability is the key to my success. If I didn’t get weighed in every week in front of someone I would never be able to keep myself going. I tend to be a people pleaser so I don’t want to get on the scale in front of that person and have gained. Oh, but this is also a catch twenty-two!
It is just as easy for me to stay away because I don’t want to be embarrassed. I could easily avoid my weigh-ins, fall off the place of the earth and gain all of my weight back. I need to find away to make a happy medium. To be able to want to please people, but not have their thoughts (or what I think their thinking) overpower my emotions. This is something I need to work on not just with weight loss, but also with everyday life.
I am very thankful that I go with someone to these weigh-in meetings. Having someone expect me to show up every week keeps me going. My only fear is that this person is getting close to their goal weight…I hope they don’t disappear on me?! The good thing is I had another friend join recently and I am hoping we can continue to keep eachother on track and losing weight.
I am also thankful that I am writing this blog weekly and posting it on networking sites. Knowing that people are reading it keeps me on track and excited about my next loss. Thank you to my readers!
Support + Accountability + Hard work= Success!
My goal this week is to track everyday! I would also like to get some sort of physical activity in daily. With not feeling good this is not an easy task. The good thing is I now have less than 200lbs to go!
Unitl Next Week...
Jamie Lee :0)
Week 6 (11/1/10)
Weigh-in: 343.4 lbs
----------------------
Loss of: 2.8 lbs
Total Loss: 13.8 lbs
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