Last week I struggled with my depression. Some people may not know how damaging it can be to suffer from something so awful. Even though I ate well and lost some weight (not nearly as much as I’d hoped for) I didn't feel well. I would love to tell you that I didn't feel like myself, but the truth is I know this part of myself better than any other. Many things bring me to this unhealthy state, but the two most influential are my weight and my fear of death.
I have an uncontrollable fear of death. To the extent in which I don't think the average person could even comprehend. It sickens me to think we live, touch, feel, and love and then we are no more. That the world continues to revolve and the person we are is gone. We may last in the hearts of some people who love us, but when they die their love dies too. It kills me to try and understand that today might be the last time I hug my son or talk to my mom. It pains me to think that there could just be nothingness. Then what? You live your whole life chasing dreams and making a name for yourself to be forgotten in the end; or to make a difference in someone’s life that is just going to pass on too. The most important thing in life is the people that we have. Because if I go tomorrow the only thing I would regret is not spending every waking minuet with my son and loved ones. I try to think of this every time I feel like I need a break.
I believe in God, but somehow even religion can't comfort my panic. I've heard people say that heaven and after life are just ways to make humans less scared of dying. I've also heard that we are all so self centered that we can't imagine that there is no existence after death. It’s hard to have faith when these opinions rattle my brain.
One thing I do know is that I cannot sleep at night anymore. I lie awake looking at the clock or distracting myself with meaningless activities (like surfing the web) just to avoid having to hear my own thoughts. These thoughts haunt me and turn me physically ill. When I am finally left alone with myself and I start to think about what death really means, I start to feel the panic creep over my body. It starts in the center of my abdomen and then works its way up into my chest. It sends me into a crying hysteria until I heave. Every rational thought that I make myself think throughout the day, to keep myself sane, cannot be found. At times only falling asleep from exhaustion will stop the panic. This happens every night.
I have heard from some therapists that people with eating disorders tend to have a terrible phobia of death. I’ve heard it is because of their need to control things and that death is uncontrollable. That food can be one of the few ways a suffering person can have control in their own life. I believe this.
How do you try and control an overwhelming fear of the inevitable? You would think that someone who is so afraid of dying would want to be healthy and wouldn't be "morbidly" obese, though somehow nothing is a comfort or reward.
I try to be a good person, friend, mom, and employee but sometimes I am just too angry or stressed out to try. The things in life that should be so simple are a challenge in my every day.
My disgust with myself and appearance over takes all positive thinking. Sometimes I feel like the reason I am even attempting to lose weight is just for acceptance. Then I think to myself that I might have gained this weight because of similar reasons. Sometimes I crave the attention of another male just for someone to think I am pretty or want to spend time with me, but then I get angry with myself for focusing on things like that with when life is too short. I should be worried about my son and his future and not some temporary attention.
Before I had my son I still felt sick about these issues. However, when he was born it was heightened immensely. Some nights I pull him into bed with me after he has already been asleep just to comfort myself. I want to be able to hold him, feel him, smell him, and hear him. All of the things you cannot do when your dead. I think to myself, “what if I get to heaven and I can’t find him?”
I understand that some of these feeling are normal and some are unhealthy. I also understand that losing weight and being healthy will help my depression; however I'm afraid some fears will never diminish. It is not fair to live the one life I have in fear.
I did not write this for sympathy or help, simply to help people understand one of the MANY things I struggle with everyday. I wrote this for people to understand one of the things that deter me from having a positive outlook on weight loss and life. I have so many life goals. In fact some that may be unreachable. Writing a book, acting, owning a hotel, owning my own real-estate, being a successful business owner, traveling and more! These are all the things I have plans for and I can’t do being fat or afraid. They are all such big goals that little things like losing a pound a week seem like such a drag-on. It’s hard for me to stay focused and enthused.
I don’t really have any goals this week besides sticking to plan. I need to understand that a loss is a loss no matter how small. I also need to realize that happiness is not a goal for the future, but a state of mind that should be lived every day.
Until next week...
Week 7 (11/8/10)
Weigh-in: 343.4 lbs
Loss of: 1lb
Total Loss: 14.8lbs